Yaaaaawwwwnnnn

Really tired today. . . Stupid insomnia.  On the other hand, I did enjoy the coolest (literally) part of the day.  It's always weird to spend the whole night awake, especially when it starts to transition from night to morning.  I'm always surprised that the birds come out first, way before the sun is thinking about rising.  When I don't have to worry about working the next day I tend to forget about the time so it's a bit of a shock to hear the chirp-chirp-chirping.  Then I start to feel a little bit guilty for wasting the whole night watching really bad television or a chick-lit novel when I could have been sleeping.  

okay, finding myself too sleepy to continue writing.  getting cross-eyed....xzzzz

Weepy

So, a couple of months ago my sister told me that she had a mole on her face that was diagnosed as basal cell carcinoma.  Scary, considering she's three years younger than me and has always been much more vigilant about the whole sunscreen thing.  From what she described, it popped up rather suddenly and while she was pretty willing to ignore the thing, my brother-in-law thought the thing looked disgusting and that prompted her to see the dermatologist (which, luckily, is pretty easy for her since she works in a hospital).  One biopsy later the disgusting mole was branded malignant and it (along with a small chunk of her face) was removed.  No worries though-- They quickly stitched up the hole with the help of a plastic surgeon and it's as good as new. 

Well the whole thing got me a bit freaked out.  I've got all the precursors for skin cancer; fair skin, a history of sunburns, family history, etc.  Suddenly every mole, freckle, bump, pimple. . . was -dun dun DUN!- Cancer.  I was sure a spot on my leg that I'd had for a couple of years was cancerous and that I would be the next Izzie Stevens.  You know--Having sex with ghosts and then withdrawing my name from Emmy consideration for lack of quality material. 

I did my research and found the best skin care/dermatology clinic in Seattle and made an appointment.  I could feel the cancer growing and spreading, metastasizing and invading every organ. That spot on my leg throbbed every time it saw sunlight, burned and ached when I was tired.  I knew, just KNEW it was something very very bad.  

Today was finally my appointment.  I was nervous all day; barely able to eat, a little bit shaky knowing what my fate was surely going to be.  And I went to the appointment, stripped and let myself be examined top to tail.  And you know what?  Those freckles?  Freckles.  That mole on my leg?  Actually a scar.  That weird patch on my hand?  Age spot.  

HA! TAKE THAT, STUPID CANCER!  YOUR JANKY CELLS HAVE NOT INVADED ME YET!  

Anyhoo, since I was there I decided to have a mole on my arm removed.  It's a weird mole.  It is (now was) on the inside crook of my elbow and looked a bit like a nipple.  It was easy to ignore, but when I did get a glimpse of it I was seriously grossed out by it.  For the removal, I was given a choice: Shave it off without removing the "root" (which, like the roots of a weed, gives it the opportunity of returning whenever it feels like it) or having a minor surgery where they would punch down into it and remove every bit of it, then stitch it up and away-we-go.  Gone forever.  Me, not wanting a hole in my arm, stitches, and the general pain went for the shaving option.  Yes, I'm a wimp.  I take ownership of my dislike of pain.   The doctor got to work and five minutes, a few injections of lidocaine, a crazy looking razor and a cauterizing doodad later my mole was swimming in a sea of sterile liquid.  All that was left was the carnage.  A dime-sized raw-hamburger-looking hole that won't stop dripping exudate.  Sorry, I know that was TMI.  But I had to work some misery into this otherwise happy-ending post.  I just hope it'll heal itself soon because I certainly can't be hitting the tanning bed with this open wound on my arm.  I keed, I keed!

Yay for me and my still cancer-free body!  Now if I could only find a way to be not fat without cutting down on how many cookies I eat.  I'm tired of my Wii giggling at me and telling me I'm obese.

Waiting and Reflection

This is the rambling insomniac part of my blog.  I don't really have a specific theme to this post, just a stream of consciousness, so bear with me.  Or don't read the post.  Whatever.

The only bad thing about unemployment (besides the incredible agony of trying to decide what daytime television shows to watch) is the "waiting week" before they start giving you an actual check.  Why?  I don't have a job.  In this case, I really can't wait a week.

Also, upon reflection I have started to wonder if my contract was ended early because my manager heard I was trying to leave early.  It wouldn't surprise me... the guy was a total freak.  No really, he was.  I kind of wonder if he was bipolar or had really bad man PMS... He was completely unpredictable.  One day everything was fine, he next he'd be yelling at somebody because he decided he didn't like their attitude.  When they'd ask "What did I do?  How can I fix it?" He'd say things like "I think you know what you've done and I don't think there's anything you can do to change it."  No really, he said that.  He was also upset with me when he found out that my ultimate goal in life wasn't to work at the Evil Empire full time and that I'd rather have a good work/life balance than a high paying job.  I know, both unforgivable offenses.

Most times in a person's life when a pattern is displayed, they need to look to themselves to figure out why the same problems are repeated.  I've been trying to figure out what part of responsibility in the failure of my career I need to take ownership for.  I think what I've done the last few years is focus on a status of employment rather than waiting for a job that I know would be good for me.  Despite my hesitation to take a job, I did it anyway; always telling myself that I was being too sensitive or that I could handle anything for a year, etc., etc.  I felt compelled to be "productive" and the only way I knew how to be productive was to be employed.  Even if it was a shitty, low-paying job with crappy benefits and an abusive environment.

It's time for a change.  It's time for me to be okay with saying "no" to a job offer if I don't feel it's the right one for me, it's time for me to find value in my life outside of contributing a paycheck to the household.  What my ultimate path in life will be. . . I don't know.  But I do know for the sake of my sanity and for the happiness of my family that the path will be, has to be, different.  

Now, if only I could figure out which way to go. . .

Summer Favorites

Oh gosh, how I love makeup.  A bit obsessed, really.  Normally I'm a Bare Essentials girl, but now that the seasons have changed I'm really into a more lighter, dewey look and have assembled summery new look that only takes me about 5 minutes to complete... And goes easily from day to night.

You Rebel  - A nice, light tinted moisturizer and sunscreen.  Leaves you soft, dewey and not too made up.

That Gal - I use it around the eyes and tops of the cheekbones for a brightening effect.

Coralista - The color is so fresh and very "now".  Has a tiny bit of sparkle.  I use it on the apples of my cheeks and sweep a bit across my forehead and chin (you know, anywhere the sun might hit).  On days I'm going for a casual look, I skip the eyeshadow and put some on my eyelids.

Bluff Dust - To eliminate the shine and reduce any redness.  Looove this stuff!

Lash Injection Pinpoint Mascara - Not clumpy, doesn't run, and gives me a nice "wide-eyed" look.

. . . And on those days where I'm trying to look all fancified, I use Smokin' Eyes, which is awesome because it has everything in it-- Shadow, liner, highlighter and brow wax to keep those stray hairs in place.  Plus, it's a kit that's small enough to put in your purse so you'll be ready for an evening out at a moments notice.

Oh, and you can't forget the lips! I'm a gloss junkie, but my favorite "anytime, anywhere" stuff is C.O Bigelow Mentha Cinnamint Lip Shine

.  See, it's so good that it was even a "Beauty Finalist"!

Makeup-- A girl's best friend.  And unlike jewelry, I can always afford to treat myself.  Perfect when you're unemployed and looking for a pick-me-up!

Unemployment Diary (v3)... Day 3

Unemployment Insurance approved.  Will be making more than minimum wage for at least the next 33 weeks, so I'm happy.  Is it too much to ask that I don't find a new job for at least 13-26 weeks?

Unemployment Diary (v3)... Day 2

Yes, yes y'all!  I am un-em-ployed!

No need to get into the deets at this point on the breakdown of my work situation,  but let's just say I am SO VERY HAPPY!

Unlike the last couple of go-rounds, I have decided not to be crazy or worry too much about finding a new job.  Just trying to find a job, any job, and taking said "any job" is what contributed to the problems in the first place.  So this time I'm going to take it in stride, enjoy my UI and consider my time off a nice summer vacation.  I'll worry about the job situation when the economy gets better.  That's the great thing about being unemployed during a recession.  Nobody thinks it's weird that you aren't working.  They're all, "Man, that recession is really hitting everybody hard!"

Hey, you know what's funny?  I still have all of the stuff to do on my list that was on there 9 months ago.  Yep, I got real far with all my projects.

I promised MIP Christie that I would start writing all the wacky stuff that's happened in my life, so I'm going to add "Keep up with the blogging" on my list of things to do whilst unemployed.  Plus I can do it on my iPhone, so I'll have no excuse not to do it.  I promise, promise promise to be faithful to you Miss Misery.

Talk to you soon!

Love,

The Amazing Miss H 

Sorry, no updates...

Things have been moving along lately. Now that the election is over I kind of feel like I don't know what I'm supposed to focus on. Sorry I can't say much more... There is actually a lot going on in my mind, but my friends (to quote McCain), I love you all, but knowing that you can read what I'm thinking freaks me out a bit. So until I can settle the chaos in my brain, I'm not going to focus too much on this blog, except for the occasional funny/weird/strange things that might happen along the way.

Sorry. It's not you, it's me.

Calling Goldilocks...

It's lunchtime, and lack of sleep has made me punch-drunk and unable to concentrate. Last night I only got 3 hours of sleep. Three unproductive, wake-up-every-15-minutes-hours of sleep.

My ongoing insomnia makes me so angry sometimes. I spend most of my days feeling like I'm trying to run in a swimming pool-- working so hard to go forward, but only moving inches. So tired that every joint in my body aches, and every touch feels like it's bruising my skin. I hate that my brain only works at half its capacity because of the exhaustion, and that I have a hard time concentrating on easy tasks. I hate that I have to fight to not to rest my eyes every time I come to a stoplight while driving to and from work. I hate that it scatters my thoughts making it, at times, nearly impossible to have a normal conversation.

In the past I've taken a whole host of different medications to try and alleviate the problem. I've taken every non-benzodiazepine and benzodiazepine prescription available; I've tried Melatonin, Benedryl, Doxepin, Trazadone, Lunesta, Klonopin, Xanax, Ativan, Tranxene and Halcion. I've paid for personal trainers to help me exercise more, biofeedback, and acupuncture to help me relax. I hate going to my doctor and being told that it's not a big deal, that I'll fall asleep eventually, that if I just go to bed and wake up at the same time every day it will work itself out. Doesn't that seem like total bullshit? How does getting into bed and laying there from 10pm to 2 or 3am tossing and turning make it better? I'm still only getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep! The worst part is that no matter how tired I am, no matter how sleepy I feel, when it comes time to drift into sleep it never happens.

The only thing I can think of to get me through it all is that at least I will be well prepared for the sleep deprivation that being a parent brings...

It's been awhile.

Wow, can't believe it's been six weeks since I last posted here. I know that the masses missed me so. HA!

Overall, I have to say that quitting FHCRC was the best thing I've ever done. That place is WHACK. Thankfully those still left there are getting re-trained by HR. They need, according to my former Director, to re-evaluate the Core Values of the company. But that’s something that deserves its own post…

So, I found a new job (which I'm at right now). I got the job after 3 days of unemployment. I'm back in my happy place, working with Sales. Of course, I'm helping to sell products I know nothing about and there is a ton of company jargon and acronyms which confuse the heck out of me, but I'll learn eventually. I'm a little freaked out right now at how nice, normal, and intelligent everybody I work with is. I had many preconceived notions about the company I'm working for (technically with-- I've only got a yearlong contract here), and so far none of them have been accurate. People here are pleasant, say hello to you even when they don't know you and tend to have a decent sense of humor. Plus there is free soda. I’m on my 4th can of sparkling water (they have a large selection of Talking Rain products), and am starting to worry that all the carbonated water I’m drinking is going to give me acid reflux or something. But I can’t control myself—THEY’RE FREE! THEY’RE COLD! THEY’RE CALLING ME!

Well, now that I’ve caught you up on my oh-so-interesting job situation I can talk about the thing that’s made me sad this week. We had to put one of our cats, Ragtime, to sleep last Sunday. I know there are some of you who aren’t “animal people” and can’t understand why people get so attached to their animals. Frankly, I feel a little sorry for you if you are one of those people. There are so many ways pets like cats and dogs enrich your life, and just being able to come home and have something waiting for you, happy to see you is the best feeling. Now there is one less fuzzy-face to purr a greeting to me when I get home from a long day of work, one less fur ball to cuddle with when I feel sad or have a headache or am angry (a cat’s purr has been scientifically proven to lower blood pressure in humans), one less pudgy friend to sunbathe with when I read outside on sunny days and I’m just so sad. Every night I keep thinking I hear him meowing outside like he used to when he wanted to come inside and am confused for a few seconds when I pull in the driveway and don’t see him trotting over to meet me at the car. I miss my little kitty.

Oy, it’s after 5 PM now and I have just spent the last half of an hour writing this. I better get back to work—Even though I’m new here, I still have a ton to do…

Goodbye Whole Foods, Hello Grocery Outlet

So, as the work drama comes to an end (Thursday will be my last day) I'm sitting here thinking "Oh shit, what did I just do?". I quit a job just because I didn't like the people. What kind of a wimp am I? What am I going to do in 3 months when the severance from the last job and this month's pay runs out? I don't WANT to budget! I'm scared to budget. I'm not good at that! When I get stressed, I shop. Without a job, I'm stressed. How am I going to alleviate that stress, huh? I guess grocery shopping is going to have to cut it, because it'll be the only shopping I'm doing for a while.

As most out-of-work people do, I'm going to make a list of all the things I've been meaning to do for the past few years but have avoided because I'm "too busy". They are:
1. Take the dogs out for regular walks. Because they're dogs and they need it. And I need it too.
2. Paint the library and decorate it (this is the portion that involves shopping-- I have to buy bookshelves!)
3. Paint the sideboard in the dining room white, to get rid of the "charred wood" treatment that my uncle gave it with a blowtorch in the '70s.
4. Paint the living room side tables white.
5. Put my office in working order. No more clothes on the floor or the desk! I'm not 12 any more (I do have to say however, that my mother never allowed messy rooms, and there were not clothes on the floor or anywhere but the closet when I lived with my parents. Therefore I fully blame my slobish tendencies on them because I'm totally acting out).
6. Clean the house on a regular basis. No job = no maid.
7. Because I need to add something fun: Give myself a home-made facial and mani-pedi every week.
8. Reconnect with friends I have been neglecting.
9. Plant flowers in the back yard and make the deck pretty for entertaining.
10. Once my beginning sewing class is over, sew something fun!

I figure this list will take me... oh... three years or so. Just kidding. I'm putting this out in the internets to help make myself accountable for the work I need to do... Now it's in cyberspace that I've vowed to clean my office, so that means I must do it or else I'm totally going to hear it from the ... wait ... nobody actually reads my blog ... so I'm just going to hear it from myself. Which means I better set up some reminders in my calendar ;)